Hunting for pain....

What a lovely morning......

yet it smirks a bit too much....

the cool breeze freshen up...

goading the dull one to shy of...

How often has it happened, that you just stop by, and question the basic of the most unquestionable things in your life. It puzzles me to think of so many beautiful things, which I have managed to single-handedly dissolved. They say, you attract precisely that which you keep thinking upon...if it is sad thoughts and grief that falls full force on you..and if it is happiness..that like a blessing shines on you....

Now that's the tricky part....it is amusing at times for me to notice how conveniently I overlook the obvious import of things and get worked-up over imaginary issues which..consequentially and naturally bring upon a barren land...

It is an old proverb, that happiness lies inside...as I struggle to find that speck of life and light which has been eluding me for a while..I am struck by my own courageous strength to push-back and negate any beautiful thing that might be happening to me...

now to save my own grace, I would like to attach it to my not-quite thought-through theory...that as humans, most of us have the tendency to down-run the power of happiness and blessings in our life as we are constantly trying hard to stay in the tense-mode. This tense-mode is nothing but that state of mind, where we think of none but the worse that can happen and try our utmost to fight it out of ourselves.

Now come to think of it..this particular state of mind, is in fact beneficial on certain terms. By visualizing the most possible worst thing that can happen to the person, he or she is able to withstand the most brutal of things that happen...

The fallacy is however, the fact that often, in construing the ills and bad omens, one often overlooks and self-blinds to the most purest and deepest of gestures around..questioning the simple calculation called love...

Now it is there, where it hurts the most...It has been read by me in many spaces, that when in love..one should get in the default mode of forgiveness and have trust no-matter what. How I wish..it was a default mode in me too....I have hurt the one who truly was fair...quite harsh I can get...

Lonely amidst the mortals

Lonely amidst the mortals

for it doesnt ring the bell in me

how does one convey the warmth in-grain

left to be wondered loud in the bleak

in the bleak grim ocean that swarms around .....

It is interesting to note how loneliness often creeps upon, sneaking and whispering all along. Well I do understand it is a common phenomenon among the masses and generally speaking, has absolutely nothing to do with the caliber and quality of  the mortality around us. Now the fatal question to be asked is, why does it happen. Upon much deliberation, which has in fact consumed a chuck of past few hours of mine...shine it upon me that maybe...possibly ..well I know it has been written before, and yes this may sound just as a cohesion with thoughts of the like...but to come back..maybe..possibly...the loneliness creeps upon us due to that constitution within, which haunts and dissects us upon every passing moment...judging and passing verdicts unsought....

Now to note, how our mind tricks us to imagine upon the persona of another individual...calculating and adding, subtracting and who knows what all follows...to arrive at that juncture, that in fact.... the one in front is the kind, with whom association can be built, and developed upon..and in time garnished with the lot of love and trust and like all along...

It is this juncture where fallacy often takes over. Now, 'judgment of first look' as many would term it, is by what people perceive the other individual just now met. Based on many a learning from past, this becomes a fairly well-structured assumption methodology which in time develops well and supports the entire structure of building relationships. But, unfortunately, bereft souls do exist as well, who are unable to pass such a judgment on not even the third, if not the first of the sighting of an fresh human contact. It is there, where the major debacles and shattering happen...for all the foundations of judgment shaken up and get structured as analysis and development of the character happens with passing hours and seconds of dime.

And it is at the end of such an ill sought adventure, left to the self...one realizes the enormity of the task of identifying the color of the other soul in front of our eyes. If only, they all shone in the same light...

if only those who shone together never parted

if only those who could whisper in silence hung around for long

for only when you are not with them

does one realize the import of that one friend

with whom silence of hours endless was musical 

enough to lighten the darkness of all souls as under...

Things fall Apart......

Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned -  "The Second Coming", William Butler Yeats

It is interesting to note how easily things, which till yesterday were absolutely perfect to the eye, disseminate and fall apart...leading to misery and desolation. During my graduation in English Literature, I had read 'Things Fall apart' by Chinua Achebe. The novel had these lines of Yeats's poem in the beginning, as a precursor or a curtain-raiser to the destruction, solitude and pain to be painted and captured in pages there after....

The novel had left me feeling hollow and sad inside. A definitive strength, the human spirit is what that is broken at the end of the novel, symbolized by the cursory  death of the human body through self-approval. An acute sense of sadness had seeped into me, upon witnessing the fall of the Okonkwo, the lead protagonist, who is reduced from his glorious stature and bought down on his knees and ultimately pushed to humiliation and disapproval. It was disturbing to realize the truth of a the phrase "this too shall pass"...how gradually with time, even the best of moments and the mightiest of forces loose their sheen and are defeated by mere splashes of waves. Oh yes..I do agree...it sure holds true for the sorrow as well..which again passes on to give space to life...

A I stand at this juncture of my life, I am left to ponder over and understand many an aspects which are undergoing change at lightening speed. If not for the sake of it, but the truth is I had been aware of many a cracks. But the sheer gravity of creation and destruction, of life and death are simply too magnanimous for me to comprehend and follow. Isn't it the reality, the unspoken facts of life that things no matter how strongly we wish, do not shape up the way we had expected them to. On the contrary, the most unexpected of events tingle-up together to form a chain of weird-shaped paper-doll chain, which wrap around us and hold us down, leading us to paths we had never expected we would tread...and yet with the childish ferocity we keep yearning and wishing for that which often deludes and vanishes behind the veil...


For a long time, I was under a belief that things happen for the greater good...and to be frank I still have faith in this profound thought...but often late I have been wondering a lot as to whether not it is just a fiction created by the forces of our thoughts which have led us towards deluding ourselves to believe in the fact that all that happens is infant for our own good. In consequence, isn't it actually blinding ourselves to the basic truth that the course of history could have been absolutely amazing and wonderful if not for that one decision. If not for that one decision, we could have been spared a lot of pain and suffering. 


But as I suppose, and most would agree...this particular variety of thought-process, which often is termed as negative and destructive, in fact doesn't help much in keeping us 'happy'. The thought of such nature which would dilute the dictate given us, that we, in fact have the best of life in front of us, the most promising we can ever wish for, instantly leading to the production of that hormone and that substance which brings smile to our face and gives us strength to go on in life. Recently I had heard it again in a new garb of 'all izz well' uttered by the protagonist in the famous bollywood flick 'Three Idiots'. So technically, I should tell myself that whatever is happening, is for my best...and I shall be happy tomorrow as I am today...or as I should be..coz all is happening in my favor..isn't it..


But then again...is it right to live in delusion...is it right to wear brightly colored blinds..and go on in life..maybe it is..it keeps others around us happy, I have experienced that often..but then again...how justified is living shaded for others..is it in fact the absolute mantra...maybe it is...maybe yes in fact it is...